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ADHD Tools – Part 3: Don’t Do It Alone

Posted on by by Posted in Achieving Goals, ADHD, Performance, Academic Achievement, Procrastination, Productivity, Time Management, Relationship Decisions, Stress Management
Tools and Tricks to Improve Your Executive Functioning

Part 3: Involving Others And Asking for Help

In my last two posts, I have written about practical tools that can improve your executive functioning (here are Part 1 and Part 2. In this third part, I want to emphasize one more strategy: involving other people for help.

This third strategy could also be seen as a part of the other two. Other people can be our external memories, as well as hold us accountable for our choices, make life less boring, and help us make better long-term decisions.

However, I figured the aspect of asking others for help deserved to be addressed on its own, if only because this point might be the hardest for many.

Why is asking for help particularly hard for people with ADHD?

In my work with people with ADHD, especially those who had received their diagnoses as adults, I’ve learned that many of them have struggled all their lives with great amounts of shame over their difficulties, and with feelings of inadequacy. Throughout their childhoods and adult lives, they experienced repeated failures to meet expectations. First, it may have been the parents and teachers who interpreted their struggles as laziness or disobedience. Later, they might have disappointed their friends and partners by forgetting dates or commitments, and their supervisors or colleagues by missing deadlines. And most importantly, they kept failing their own expectations, blaming themselves, and not understanding why they couldn’t just “get it together”, like everyone else seemed to.

Shame makes us want to hide, instead of asking for help. Therefore, I think it is important to recognize that if you have ADHD, your shame might, in fact, be one more real obstacle you have to overcome. It is one more thing that may truly distinguish you from others (to a degree, just like your ADHD symptoms distinguish you only to a degree), and it is important to address it. Because it, too, is holding you back.

How can involving others be particularly helpful for people with ADHD?

Other people are often an essential part of our external memories (or “extended minds”, as reflected in the idea of distributed cognition). But they can also motivate us, hold us accountable, keep things interesting with their presence, and help us to make better decisions.

Here are just a few examples of how you might involve other people to help manage your ADHD symptoms:

  • Trust someone to remind you of important dates, as a backup to your own calendar system (not as a replacement).
  • Set up appointments to work on particularly challenging tasks in someone else’s presence (or virtual presence), if they also benefit from that accountability.
  • Involve a friend to develop a token system with you, where you can earn tokens for tasks that are particularly hard for you. Your friend can hold bigger rewards for you that you can exchange for the tokens you earned. Include them in the celebrations of your achievements.
  • Ask for other people’s perspectives when you are facing important decisions. Chances are, if they don’t have ADHD, they might approach decisions differently than you [5]. They might also think differently about risks and benefits than you [7], or about the future [1, 2, 3, 4, 8] – which are aspects that usually matter for important decisions. If your preferences are truly different from theirs, of course you should choose whatever aligns with your own values. This includes honoring your own risk tolerance, and your own future time perspective, as long as your decisions don’t harm others. But other people’s input might help you take additional or different aspects into account, so that you can make the best choice for yourself.

Tortoise handing over medal to hare

Remember it’s a two-way street

If you’re still hesitant to ask others for help with any of your ADHD-related challenges, remember that the “neurotypical” people (or, perhaps even more so, those at the other end of the self-control spectrum) need you too. In Ann Patchett’s words, as she tells the story of her colorful friendship with Lucy Grealy [6]:

“We were a pairing out of an Aesop’s fable, the grasshopper and the ant, the tortoise and the hare. And sure, maybe the ant was warmer in the winter and the tortoise won the race, but everyone knows that the grasshopper and the hare were infinitely more appealing animals in all their leggy beauty, their music, and interesting side trips. What the story didn’t tell you is that the ant relented at the eleventh hour and took in the grasshopper when the weather was hard, fed him on his tenderest store of grass all winter. The tortoise, being uninterested in such things, gave over his medal to the hare. Grasshoppers and hares find the ants and tortoises. They need us to survive, but we need them as well. They were the ones who brought the truth and beauty to the party, which Lucy could tell you as she recited her Keats over breakfast, was better than food any day.”

Ann Patchett, Truth and Beauty.

Hopefully, once you think about it, you recognize the positive value you are contributing to the people around you, not just despite but also because of your differences. Chances are, they recognize it too and welcome a chance to help you to succeed.

If you’re not sure where to start, I’d love to help you figure that out.

"Get in Touch" Button to Schedule a phone call or coaching session with Ursina Teuscher

by Ursina Teuscher (PhD), at Teuscher Decision Coaching, Portland OR

 

Picture Credit:

Images created with the assistance of OpenAI DALL‑E and Microsoft Designer

References:

[1] Carelli, M. G., & Wiberg, B. (2012). Time Out of Mind: Temporal Perspective in Adults With ADHD. Journal of Attention Disorders, 16(6), 460–466. https://doi.org/10.1177/1087054711398861
[2] Jackson, J. N. S., & MacKillop, J. (2016). Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder and Monetary Delay Discounting: A Meta-Analysis of Case-Control Studies. Biological Psychiatry. Cognitive Neuroscience and Neuroimaging, 1(4), 316–325. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.bpsc.2016.01.007
[3] Marx, I., Hacker, T., Yu, X., Cortese, S., & Sonuga-Barke, E. (2021). ADHD and the Choice of Small Immediate Over Larger Delayed Rewards: A Comparative Meta-Analysis of Performance on Simple Choice-Delay and Temporal Discounting Paradigms. Journal of Attention Disorders, 25(2), 171–187. https://doi.org/10.1177/1087054718772138
[4] Mette, C. (2023). Time Perception in Adult ADHD: Findings from a Decade—A Review. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 20(4), 3098. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph20043098
[5] Mowinckel, A. M., Pedersen, M. L., Eilertsen, E., & Biele, G. (2015). A Meta-Analysis of Decision-Making and Attention in Adults With ADHD. Journal of Attention Disorders, 19(5), 355–367. https://doi.org/10.1177/1087054714558872
[6] Patchett, A. (2004). Truth and Beauty: A Friendship. Fourth Estate.
[7] Pollak, Y., Dekkers, T. J., Shoham, R., & Huizenga, H. M. (2019). Risk-Taking Behavior in Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD): a Review of Potential Underlying Mechanisms and of Interventions. Current Psychiatry Reports, 21(5), 33. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11920-019-1019-y
[8] Ptacek, R., Weissenberger, S., Braaten, E., Klicperova-Baker, M., Goetz, M., Raboch, J., Vnukova, M., & Stefano, G. B. (2019). Clinical Implications of the Perception of Time in Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD): A Review. Medical Science Monitor : International Medical Journal of Experimental and Clinical Research, 25, 3918–3924. https://doi.org/10.12659/MSM.914225


Does Positive Thinking Help You Reach Your Goals?

Posted on by by Posted in Achieving Goals, Book Recommendations, Coaching Practice, Health Decisions, Performance, Academic Achievement, Procrastination, Productivity, Time Management, Relationship Decisions, Resources, tools
Can positive thinking help you reach your goals? Picture from: https://pxhere.com/en/photo/539763 (Attribution not required)

Can “positive thinking” really help you change your life for the better and reach your goals? Many motivational speakers and writers seem to believe so, but empirical studies reveal a more complicated picture.

If you want to reach your goals, positive thinking seems to come with some pitfalls.

In particular, in her research spanning decades, Gabriele Oettingen and her colleagues have discovered a powerful link between positive thinking and poor performance [e.g., 1 – 5]. Oettingen’s book “Rethinking Positive Thinking: Inside the New Science of Motivation” [6], and her website detail many of these findings. For example, in one study [2] they asked college students who had a crush on someone to engage in future fantasies about them and a person of their romantic interest. Six months later, the students who had engaged in positive future fantasies were less likely to have started up a romantic relationship with the person. The authors found a similar effect with academic performance: the more students engaged in positive phantasies about their performance on an upcoming exam, the poorer their performance was at the time of exams.

As her book [6] and website detail, Oettingen and her colleagues have performed such studies with participants from different demographic groups, in different countries, and with a range of personal wishes, including wishes related to health, academic and professional success, and relationships [1 – 5]. Consistently, they found correlations between positive fantasies and subsequent poor performance. The more people “think positive” and imagine themselves achieving their desired future, the less they achieve. The reason for this may be that positive thoughts and fantasies can trick your brain into feeling like you have already succeeded, thereby sapping you of the motivation necessary to work hard enough to realize your dreams [1].

So if positive thinking isn’t the best strategy to help you reach your goals, then what is?

Instead of positive thinking, Oettingen suggests “mental contrasting”. This method combines dreams and reality. As Oettingen writes in her book [6], the method brings positive thinking up against a visualization of the challenges that stand in our way. The method is explained in more detail on the website woopmylife.org.

Similarly, in her book “The Positive Power of Negative Thinking” [7], Julie Norem suggests “defensive pessimism” as a cognitive strategy. By imagining worst case scenarios, we can improve problem-solving and make our worries work for us. This can help us manage anxiety and as well as perform better.  

Does mental contrasting – instead of simple positive thinking – really help you reach your goals?

On her website, Oettingen cites a number of studies that have tested the effect of this mental exercise. This page provides a list with links to each study.

More recently, an independent group of researchers conducted a meta-analysis, including a total of 21 empirical studies. They evaluated the efficacy of mental contrasting in combination with implementation intentions for goal attainment [8]. They did find some publications bias, with published studies showing on average a larger effect size than unpublished studies. This is a phenomenon that’s often revealed by meta-analyses, and it is one reason meta-analyses are so important to consider. The authors therefore caution that the actual effect sizes may be smaller than the published studies suggest. Nonetheless, their analysis showed that overall, mental contrasting is an effective strategy for goal attainment.

Do you want to try some mental contrasting on your own goals?

If you’re ready to try this method, check out the many resources (videos, worksheets, and even a free app for Android or iOS) on Gabriele Oettingen’s website. If you think you could benefit from continuing support as you move towards your goals, let’s discuss how I might help.

Contact Ursina Teuscher for help with reaching goals

by Ursina Teuscher (PhD), at Teuscher Decision Coaching, Portland OR

Picture Credit:

[1] Photo released free of copyrights under Creative Commons CC0, Public Domain via https://pxhere.com/en/photo/539762

References:

[1] Kappes, H. B., & Oettingen, G. (2011). Positive fantasies about idealized futures sap energy. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 47(4), 719–729. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jesp.2011.02.003
[2] Oettingen, G., & Mayer, D. (2002). The motivating function of thinking about the future: Expectations versus fantasies. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 83(5), 1198–1212.
[3] Oettingen, G., & Wadden, T. A. (1991). Expectation, fantasy, and weight loss: Is the impact of positive thinking always positive? Cognitive Therapy and Research, 15(2), 167–175. https://doi.org/10.1007/BF01173206
[4] Thinking positive is a surprisingly risky manoeuvre | Aeon Essays. (n.d.). Aeon. Retrieved September 16, 2022, from https://aeon.co/essays/thinking-positive-is-a-surprisingly-risky-manoeuvre
[5] Oettingen, G. (2012). Future thought and behaviour change. European Review of Social Psychology, 23(1), 1–63. https://doi.org/10.1080/10463283.2011.643698
[6] Oettingen, G. (2014). Rethinking positive thinking: inside the new science of motivation. New York: Penguin Random House.
[7] Norem, J. K. (2001). The positive power of negative thinking. New York: Basic Books.
[8] Wang, G., Wang, Y., & Gai, X. (2021). A Meta-Analysis of the Effects of Mental Contrasting With Implementation Intentions on Goal Attainment. Frontiers in Psychology, 12, 565202. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.565202


How to Deal with Regret

Posted on by by Posted in Book Recommendations, Health Decisions, Performance, Academic Achievement, Relationship Decisions, Risk and Uncertainty, Strategic Planning, Business Decisions, Organizational Development
Do you have deep regrets about some of your past decisions?

How to deal with regrets about your past decisionsA solid “No!” to this question should be much more concerning than a “Yes”.  Regrets make us human, as Daniel Pink argues in his new book The Power of Regret. What’s more, regrets can help us become better humans, if we learn something from them along the way.

Drawing from his own research as well as previous studies, Pink claims that people feel regret quite often. He identifies four core categories of regret:

1. Foundation regrets
“If only I’d done the work.”
These are regrets where we opt for short-term gains over long-term payoffs, like not studying hard enough in school or not saving enough money.

2. Boldness regrets
“If only I’d taken that risk.”
These are regrets of inaction, such as not starting a business, not asking someone on a date, or not going on trips. Research suggests that people regret failures to act more often than they regret actions.

3. Moral regrets
“If only I’d done the right thing.”
These often seem to hurt the most and last the longest. They involve taking what our conscience says is a wrong path, such as lying, stealing, betraying or hurting someone. I found it actually quite heartwarming to read some of the examples Pink provided, such as lasting feelings of deep shame about not standing up for a bullied classmate in school. Surely, the fact that moral regrets are the most painful regrets says something nice about the human species.

4. Connection regrets.
“If only I’d reached out.”
These regrets stem from missed or broken relationships, such as when friends lose touch with each other over the years, or families remain estranged over a falling out that happened a long time ago.

How can we make the best use of our feelings of regret?

Pink fights the common idea that it would be a good thing to have no regrets. He argues that regret fulfills an important function in motivating us to do better. He points to three benefits of regret:

  • Regret can improve future decisions. Studies have shown that when people think about what they regretted not doing in the past, they made better decisions later on.
  • Regret can boost performance. Researchers have found that even thinking about other people’s regrets led to improved test scores.
  • Regret can deepen meaning. Examining regrets can help us clarify our life’s purpose and steer toward meaning.
On the other hand – there’s a dark side to regrets

All that said, I also often see that regrets – or rather the fear of regrets – can be paralyzing. My clients often tell me the one thing that makes their decision the most difficult is the fear they might regret their choice later. This fear is often influenced by past regrets that are still painful. So what should you do if the fear of future regrets is paralyzing your current decisions?

While I agree that past regrets can be very powerful in informing our future decisions, I do want to point out that they are not always rational. We often judge our past decisions with hindsight bias. Once we know the consequences of our actions or inactions (after they happen) it’s easy to see how we should have acted differently. In the moment we had to decide, chances are we simply didn’t know all that.

How can we avoid the kind of regret that’s based on hindsight bias?
  • A “therapy” for regret is to remind yourself of what you knew at the time you made the decision. If you considered the possible consequences at the time you made the choice, and linked reasonable probabilities to them, that’s all that can be expected of anyone. In the case of extremely unlikely events, even that may be too much to expect. (If you didn’t take these things into account when you could have, that’s another matter. Then the regret you feel might be a good opportunity to start learning and practicing a more rational approach to your decisions.)
  • Even better than therapy is inoculation. You can “inoculate” yourself against future regret before you make a decision by (a) preparing yourself to live with the worst-case scenario and also (b) preparing to remind yourself of what little was known at the time you made the decision.

Fear of regret can cause decision avoidance or paralysis. These can come at a high cost in the long run. In fact, there’s a sad irony to that, given that people tend to regret inaction more often than action.

Inoculation against regret can therefore play a very important role in helping you be courageous enough to actively and rationally decide in the first place, rather than avoiding the decision and letting fate (who’s not always on our side) take over.

by Ursina Teuscher (PhD), at Teuscher Decision Coaching, Portland OR


Two Book Recommendations for the Holidays

Posted on by by Posted in Book Recommendations, Relationship Decisions

If you’re ready to cosy up by the fireplace with some good books, I have two suggestions. They are both classics in their fields, though of different times and genres. The first is a novel by one of the great German poets. The second is a concise introduction into the research on decision making.

1. Johann W. von Goethe. Elective Affinities, a novel published in 1809 .
(original: “Wahlverwandtschaften“; also translated under the title “Kindred by Choice“) .

The title refers to a chemical reorganization of substances, which Goethe uses as a metaphor for human relationships, and as a way to question our ability to choose our own actions and resist the forces of nature.
The novel begins at just at that point where many other stories end: with a happy, recently married couple, settling into a comfortable, long sought-after, idyllic life together. Their decision to invite other people into their lives is approached like a chemical experiment, and it wouldn’t be a Goethe novel if this setup didn’t lead to disturbing reactions.
It is very much a book about decisions: the rational, the emotional, and the ones never made.

2. Scott Plous. The Psychology of Judgment and Decision Making.

This very slim book provides an excellent overview of the psychology of decision making. It is not targeted towards helping us make better decisions, but simply presents the classic research literature on how people do in fact make decisions (in other words, it focuses entirely on the descriptive, not prescriptive, aspects of decision science). For those who want to get a quick but broad introduction into the field, without reading big tomes, I know of no more efficient way to go that with this book.

Reviews by Ursina Teuscher (PhD), at Teuscher Decision Coaching, Portland OR


Which types of decisions do we regret most?

Posted on by by Posted in Career Development, Relationship Decisions

In this TED talk, Kathryn Schulz makes the rather unusual
claim that regret is not always a bad thing:

It is a worthwhile talk for many reasons. One thing I found
particularly remarkable was a study she cites, which showed
that the kinds of decisions people regret most are decisions
concerning their education and career. Next up are romance
and parenting as fields where people experience considerable
regrets.

Interestingly though, people seem to have hardly any regrets
about finances or health, which are by far the most
extensively researched decision domains.
I do hope that more decision scientists will in the future
venture out into those other (messier?) domains, like
relationships or careers, where people seem to have a lot
more difficulties with their decisions.


Relationship decisions – deciding matters…

Posted on by by Posted in Relationship Decisions

Here is a very interesting new take on an older debate: why is living together before marriage, particularly before engagement, associated with higher risks for divorce?
http://www.scienceofrelationships.com/home/2012/9/11/twos-company-but-is-it-necessarily-bad-company.html

It is an uncomfortable finding for us secular liberal folks…. accordingly, many explanations have been brought forth, such as that the two groups likely differed from the beginning (correlation is not causation, post-hoc is not propter hoc, etc.). This newer study though not only controls for many selection factors in a huge sample, but additionally uses a longitudinal subsample, which makes it harder to make those arguments.

Among other explanations that the article mentions, here is – of course! – my favorite: people who start living together before really committing to each other may “slide” into a marriage, rather than deciding consciously and fully before taking that step. Interestingly, people who get engaged before moving together show the same pattern as those who get married before moving together, which is consistent with that interpretation.
I simply take that as yet another vote for making our decisions carefully and consciously, and then truly owning them.

Rhoades, G.K. and Stanley, S.M. and Markman, H.J. (2012). The impact of the transition to cohabitation on relationship functioning: Cross-sectional and longitudinal findings. Journal of Family Psychology, 26 (3), 348-358.


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